I think ive found the reason I have gained weight

If you read my other blogs you'd know that I was really skinny 5'7 115 lbs, I was pressured so much and hated on so much and gained weight with birth control  called depo provera. I weighted 156lbs when I decided that was enough. I stopped taking it and lost the weight over time but now my body is really sensitive to weight gain. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and be skinny but now I gain weight... It might just be because I'm older now. But idk.
But now I'm struggling with my weight a little bit, I'm at about 126lbs and have fat around my body I wish wasn't there.
I have been thinking about what I am doing differently than I did before when I was younger and skinnier and I thought of something crucial.
Before when I wasn't hungry I wouldn't eat. But now if its dinner time and I barely had lunch I force myself to eat. I find I do that a lot. I eat when I'm not hungry. Whether I'm bored or just think I should eat because I haven't in awhile. If I'm not hungry I shouldn't eat.
Hunger is your body telling you it needs to eat. If its not hungry dont eat. Right?
That's one thing I need to work on. And I think I'll see a change.
jclove
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This drives me crazy.

This drives me absolutely crazy.
When you are trying to get a job somewhere and you go through your first interview and you have to come in for a second or maybe for a drug test and they tell you to come at this exact time. And you get there and they are busy doing something else. For an hour.
Seriously?
Do not ask someone to be somewhere if you aren't going to be ready at that time. Its extremely unprofessional and rude.
I know I am a great worker, and at that point I just want to tell them I dont want to work with them. Why would I want to work with a company that is so unprofessional and under terrible management.
It happens so often with me.
I'm happy to go somewhere else and give them my work and experience.
And most of the time they dont even apologize, they just act like nothing happened and you didn't just wait an hour for them.
I had one company (not going to point fingers) that I went in to talk to the manager and told him I applied and asked what hours he was looking for and it fit so he said he'd bring me in for an interview. I went in for my first interview and the manager told me that basically this was just to make sure your available hours matched what they needed and to make sure I was presentable and if I was a fit. So after this was over he said I passed and I fit what they need and to call and get the second interview set up later on. I call and set it up. I go to my second interview and im sat at a table to wait and I wait for the manager for an hour and finally a worker comes up and says oh they are in a meeting for about another hour and a half. (BTW. I can see all of the managers across the room, this is a restaurant, they aren't doing anything important, some are walking around and some are sitting talking. One couldn't come and talk to me himself and apologize and let me know what was going on?) So I said ok, and the worker asked if I wanted to wait an hour and a half or come back another day, and I decided to come the next day, same time.
The next day I go and I wait finally get to speak with a manager but this time it was a woman, and she didn't apologize for the day before or acknowledge it at all. She barely acknowledged me she just asked me my availability and said oh well we aren't looking for anyone for those hours so we'll keep your resume and call you if something comes up in a couple of months.
Are you kidding?!
I was so upset.
This is now the 4th time I have driven here. It takes me 25min one way from my house.
Mind you I was trying to be as kind as I could but I wasn't going to just be treated so disrespectfully.
I told her I was told that that was the only reason for the first interview. To make sure I had the hours they needed. And I passed. And she said well we dont need anyone for those hours.
I told her about how I came in yesterday and I rudely had to wait in hour and I had to come again today for you to just tell me you dont need me? I have never been treated so disrespectfully in my life. And just left. She was rude to me in the first place from the second she came to the table.
I wanted to call the corporate office but decided against it..
That is something I can not stand. They are hiring you. Because they need workers. Yes at the same time you might need a job. But you are just as important.
If they are unprofessional and already show poor management I dont want to work there. I doubt it will be any better when you're working there.
Ugh so rude.
Sorry for the rant.
Just needed to get that out haha
jclove
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What is stopping me?

I have found that when ever I try to do something that I really want to do I always fail.
I give up so easily on anything that is hard.
Right now the biggest thing I have been struggling with is working out.
I want SO BADLY to be fit and healthy.
I am pretty healthy and my weight isn't bad at all I just have a bit of fat around my body that I dont want there anymore.
I want to be healthy when I start to get older and be able to do things I love to do. I want to start now and have a healthy life.
But I get in my own way. I make excuses. I just give up and stop trying after awhile.
I am very happy when I'm done working out and proud of myself but getting myself to do it some days is hard.
I need to stop being such a baby. I want this so bad and I'm tired of myself getting in my way.
I'm done. I need to make a change. Now or I will never be able to make myself happy.
If you have any tips I'd love to hear what you have to say. I need help!!
jclove
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Im tired of caring

I hate caring about what people think.
My whole life and through out school all the things that I was and wanted to be wasn't "cool".
For example:
Being smart isn't cool. People make fun of you for being smart. And every one would joke about how they didn't study and how they dont care. It is backwards.
Being skinny and fit isn't cool. My whole life I was really skinny and wanted to be fit and people would say I was anorexic or bulimic and be rude to me when I wanted to be fit. And girls with curves and "meat" are more attractive. And being skinny like a skeleton is disgusting.
I cared so much about what people thought I changed myself.  I stopped trying in school because I was tired of being made fun of. I tried and tried to gain weight until I succeeded because I was tired of being called anorexic. I hated what I had become. I wasn't me anymore.
I struggle with this all of the time. Being scared to say what I think because I think someone won't like it. I dont want to work out and be healthy because I'm scared of what people will say. I'm tired of it.
Im trying now to not care or even think about what people might say or think. It only matters what I think and want. If it makes me happy I will do it. I want to speak my mind and do what I love.
I'm tired of being scared.
I'm done changing myself.
I just want to be me.
Let me know if you struggle with this as well and what helps you get through it. Maybe we can try together to be ourselves and not change for anyone else.
jclove
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Today is the beginning of something great.

Today is the day I start my new "way of living".
If you read my last blog you will know that I want to be healthy and fit and get back to my 115lb mark.
I have been trying to eat healthy and make good choices so I dont gain any more weight and im good in that area but I need to begin some sort of exercise every day.
I've decided to start with a 15min jog every day, 150 jumping jacks (it gets my hear racing and Its really easy to do anywhere), and 100 squats throughout the day.
I know its not a lot but I know it will make a difference over time. I'm not in any rush and this really works for me.
I seriously make myself angry all the time because I can never stick to something. It makes me so upset. I am so weak and break so easily. I dont know why im like this but I hate it.
So I decided to start something pretty easy to do, and I started jogging. Today. I watch my favorite youtubers for about 15 min while I jog. Before I jog I do my jumping jacks and 30 squats.
I've found a great way to get myself to do my squats throughout the day. Because I drink a lot of water I have to pee a lot so every time I go to the bathroom I do 30 squats after I'm done. Its an easy way to get them done and not have an excuse that I dont have time. Everyone goes to the bathroom, and if you drink water like you should, you should be going multiple times a day. Its easy and no one has to know.
Also all of these things can be done in your living room. No need to go outside. So if its raining or snowing or too hot you dont have to go outside. No more excuses:)
I literally pulled my couch out a bit and moved my coffee table and jogged around it for 15 minutes while I watched the Saccone Jolys on youtube, all of their vlogs are about 16min long so I just jogged the whole time.
I have no excuse not to.
Also ive taken "before" pictures so I can see my progress.
It will help keep me motivated:)
Also (again) I have started drinking smoothies more often to replace meals.
Its a great way to get your fruits other things you need every day and it keeps me full for hours sometimes I'm not really even hungry for lunch. I just eat something really small. I'll put up a blog about my smoothies and what blender I use and how I make mine:) yummy:)

So basically I'm starting a new lifestyle.
+eat healthy!
+drink lots of water!
+exercise!
+oh yeah and dont sleep too much. I'm starting to only sleep 7-8 hours. No more.

Would you like to join me?
Let me know in the comments if any of this works for you or you have any ideas.
:)
jclove
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Skinny girl.

My whole life I was always the really skinny tall girl. Everyone always said things like "you're so skinny" and "you need to eat something". People dont realize how they sound. Or maybe they do..
I guess when I was small (a child) I didn't really think much about my weight. But when I started getting a little older I would hear people joke about me being anorexic and bulimic, and I started getting really upset when people told me I was skinny. I became extremely self-conscious and getting to the point of hating myself and how I looked. 
I tried basically everything to gain weight I ate all the time, tried protein shakes and everything I could think of but nothing worked.
The thing is, I wasn't even that skinny. I looked like a thin girl, not ridiculously skinny or anything. I was just skinnier and taller than most people my age.
My boyfriend at the time, my friends and my family would talk about how skinny I was and how I needed to gain weight. I had pressure from basically everywhere. Well that isn't 100% true. I remember one night I was sitting at my desk on my laptop with tears in my eyes and reading about how to gain weight and my brother walked in and said that I was perfect the way I was, I didn't need to gain weight, and not to listen to what other people would say. But I didn't really hear it. I was too upset and focused on how skinny I was I just smiled and said ok.
I didn't know what to do. I felt so disgusting and didn't want to wear shorts and never EVER wanted to wear a bathing suit. I would wear pants to school when it was 92° outside. I hated my skinny legs.
I of course was extremely flat chested. I would wear bras too big to make it seem like I sort of had boobs. I could at least fix that a little bit. Which is another reason I would NEVER EVER want to wear a bathing suit.
If I even thought for a second that I wanted to get a bit lean and want to work out and get some muscle people would immediately say something about how I'm so skinny I dont need to work out and lose any more weight. I was so frustrated. I only wanted to gain muscle not lose weight. So I didn't do it because I didn't want to hear any more about it.
My senior year of high school I decide to change my birth control because I'd always forget the pill and have a terrible period the next day. So I go to the obgyn and she's telling me of all of my options and of course side effects. One of them was called depo-provera. And one of the major side effects was weight gain.(!!)
I immediately said I wanted that one.
{{If you dont know depo-provera is a shot you get (on your butt) every three months. And you dont have a period.}}
I get it and I love it. After about 5 months I start to gain weight.
Everyone is commenting on how healthy I look and curvy and everything. I'm loving it:)
I start to really gain weight. (Well or me)
After about 8 months I've probably gained about 30lbs.
People were now saying I was pregnant and a slut and all of these terrible things. My family was commenting on my weight and saying suck in your gut and other really rude things.
I started cosmetology school after high school and I met a few girls I became good friends with that were skinny just like I was. They were happy and confident and I couldn't believe how I listened to all of these people and hated myself so much when I was fine. I should have been confident. Like them.
Guess what. I hated myself again.
I couldn't bend my knees and put my legs up to my chest like I used to be able to. I couldn't wear my favorite clothes.
My love handle hung over my jeans like a muffin top. My belly stuck out uncontrollably.
My boobs didn't get any bigger either.
I hated myself. (AGAIN)
I went from a size zero to a size 9.
I had a belly and love handles and the thickest thighs I've ever seen (on me) I couldn't wear any of my boots because my calves were too big.
I went from barely being able to stay at 115lbs to being 156lbs, just like that.
I remember the second I saw that number on the scale and I freaked out. It just kept going up and up every week I didn't want it to get any higher. I immediately stopped getting the shot and went straight to the Obgyn.
I told her how upset I was and how much weight I gained. She was shocked and extremely apologetic. Of course I didn't blame her. I knew I would gain weight. But I guess I didn't realize what that meant...
(((×××now listen. I know there are a lot of people that weigh way more than that and have went through a lot more than me but this was a big deal to me at the time. Going from one extreme to the next and hating myself the entire time. It is hard to have all of this pressure from everyone constantly picking at you and always having something to say about how you look and being so young and new to life and everything. Please try to be understanding.. ×××)))
She (the obgyn) told me once I stop taking it I should lose the weight over time and get back to how I was.
I was happy to hear that.
And she was right. Over time I did lose it.
But not all of it.
My original weight was 115ish and now I'm at about 125ish. Which is great. But not where I'd like to be.
Now my body is scarred. Forever. I have stretch marks halfway down my inner thigh. I have stretch marks on my hips. That's what happens when you gain weight that fast.
I still have some love handles a bit of a belly and thigh fat. Just about 10ish pounds of fat that I absolutely hate. I want my old body back. The one I once hated.
It doesn't make any sense? What was and is wrong with me?
I don't want to be fat. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit.
What I learned from this is just try not to listen to everyone else. Dont let them hurt you and change you. You will realize later on you were fine. You were perfect the way you were. 
No matter who you are and what you look like whether you're "fat" or "skinny" or in between they will always have something terrible to say.
No matter what you will always have people beating you down.
It really only matters what you think.
If you want to be healthy by all means be healthy. Dont listen to people. Do it for you.
If you are going through something like this please dont feel alone and dont hate yourself. Be fit and healthy for you dont change because of what people think or say.
It only matters what you think and dont let them influence it either.
Be the best you you can be. For YOU.

Jclove
<3

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Hi:)
Ive decided to start a blog. I've always really wanted to have somewhere I can write down my thoughts and ideas and just try to be me. I actually started one a little while back that was kind of a "tester" blog to see if I'd like it and get a feel of it and I really enjoyed it.
I wanted a place I could write about the things I love and hate, vent or just tell my feelings if I need to. I'm not so big on diaries or journals. I dont know why, I guess I like the thought of someone might want to read what I have to say, maybe not..  Either way i really enjoy it, so I decided today is the start of it:)
I hope you enjoy it as well:) (if YOU are even reading..)
jclove
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