Skinny girl.

My whole life I was always the really skinny tall girl. Everyone always said things like "you're so skinny" and "you need to eat something". People dont realize how they sound. Or maybe they do..
I guess when I was small (a child) I didn't really think much about my weight. But when I started getting a little older I would hear people joke about me being anorexic and bulimic, and I started getting really upset when people told me I was skinny. I became extremely self-conscious and getting to the point of hating myself and how I looked. 
I tried basically everything to gain weight I ate all the time, tried protein shakes and everything I could think of but nothing worked.
The thing is, I wasn't even that skinny. I looked like a thin girl, not ridiculously skinny or anything. I was just skinnier and taller than most people my age.
My boyfriend at the time, my friends and my family would talk about how skinny I was and how I needed to gain weight. I had pressure from basically everywhere. Well that isn't 100% true. I remember one night I was sitting at my desk on my laptop with tears in my eyes and reading about how to gain weight and my brother walked in and said that I was perfect the way I was, I didn't need to gain weight, and not to listen to what other people would say. But I didn't really hear it. I was too upset and focused on how skinny I was I just smiled and said ok.
I didn't know what to do. I felt so disgusting and didn't want to wear shorts and never EVER wanted to wear a bathing suit. I would wear pants to school when it was 92° outside. I hated my skinny legs.
I of course was extremely flat chested. I would wear bras too big to make it seem like I sort of had boobs. I could at least fix that a little bit. Which is another reason I would NEVER EVER want to wear a bathing suit.
If I even thought for a second that I wanted to get a bit lean and want to work out and get some muscle people would immediately say something about how I'm so skinny I dont need to work out and lose any more weight. I was so frustrated. I only wanted to gain muscle not lose weight. So I didn't do it because I didn't want to hear any more about it.
My senior year of high school I decide to change my birth control because I'd always forget the pill and have a terrible period the next day. So I go to the obgyn and she's telling me of all of my options and of course side effects. One of them was called depo-provera. And one of the major side effects was weight gain.(!!)
I immediately said I wanted that one.
{{If you dont know depo-provera is a shot you get (on your butt) every three months. And you dont have a period.}}
I get it and I love it. After about 5 months I start to gain weight.
Everyone is commenting on how healthy I look and curvy and everything. I'm loving it:)
I start to really gain weight. (Well or me)
After about 8 months I've probably gained about 30lbs.
People were now saying I was pregnant and a slut and all of these terrible things. My family was commenting on my weight and saying suck in your gut and other really rude things.
I started cosmetology school after high school and I met a few girls I became good friends with that were skinny just like I was. They were happy and confident and I couldn't believe how I listened to all of these people and hated myself so much when I was fine. I should have been confident. Like them.
Guess what. I hated myself again.
I couldn't bend my knees and put my legs up to my chest like I used to be able to. I couldn't wear my favorite clothes.
My love handle hung over my jeans like a muffin top. My belly stuck out uncontrollably.
My boobs didn't get any bigger either.
I hated myself. (AGAIN)
I went from a size zero to a size 9.
I had a belly and love handles and the thickest thighs I've ever seen (on me) I couldn't wear any of my boots because my calves were too big.
I went from barely being able to stay at 115lbs to being 156lbs, just like that.
I remember the second I saw that number on the scale and I freaked out. It just kept going up and up every week I didn't want it to get any higher. I immediately stopped getting the shot and went straight to the Obgyn.
I told her how upset I was and how much weight I gained. She was shocked and extremely apologetic. Of course I didn't blame her. I knew I would gain weight. But I guess I didn't realize what that meant...
(((×××now listen. I know there are a lot of people that weigh way more than that and have went through a lot more than me but this was a big deal to me at the time. Going from one extreme to the next and hating myself the entire time. It is hard to have all of this pressure from everyone constantly picking at you and always having something to say about how you look and being so young and new to life and everything. Please try to be understanding.. ×××)))
She (the obgyn) told me once I stop taking it I should lose the weight over time and get back to how I was.
I was happy to hear that.
And she was right. Over time I did lose it.
But not all of it.
My original weight was 115ish and now I'm at about 125ish. Which is great. But not where I'd like to be.
Now my body is scarred. Forever. I have stretch marks halfway down my inner thigh. I have stretch marks on my hips. That's what happens when you gain weight that fast.
I still have some love handles a bit of a belly and thigh fat. Just about 10ish pounds of fat that I absolutely hate. I want my old body back. The one I once hated.
It doesn't make any sense? What was and is wrong with me?
I don't want to be fat. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit.
What I learned from this is just try not to listen to everyone else. Dont let them hurt you and change you. You will realize later on you were fine. You were perfect the way you were. 
No matter who you are and what you look like whether you're "fat" or "skinny" or in between they will always have something terrible to say.
No matter what you will always have people beating you down.
It really only matters what you think.
If you want to be healthy by all means be healthy. Dont listen to people. Do it for you.
If you are going through something like this please dont feel alone and dont hate yourself. Be fit and healthy for you dont change because of what people think or say.
It only matters what you think and dont let them influence it either.
Be the best you you can be. For YOU.

Jclove
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